Anxiety & Depression

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Truth is, im scared. And no im not talking about spiders (even though i have a bad case of arachnophobia).. But of the creepy, dark feeling of the suicidal thoughts crawling back into my head. I thought i killed every last one, but my illnesses have planted new embryos of negativity and horrendous possibilities all over my brain. Each hatchling sinking its fangs into my consciousness, making it hard to suppress the poisonous venom from my soul’s spirit. I tried to find the antidote. I used every strain from Sativa to Indica hoping that the effects from the medicine would improve my condition and cause the pain to cease. It worked temporarily, until i became addicted. Who would’ve thought something so natural and herbal would cause irreversible damage to my self-esteem, my motivation, my dignity? I thought medicine was supposed to help sick people be better? All it did was make me numb. Maybe i mistook it for numbing cream then.. Or maybe being numb is better than feeling and thinking everything all at once? And to think, that i used to believe you couldnt become a magnet— experiencing two opposite lives at the same time within one body, *each force of gravity pulling you to the other direction everytime you try to keep your shit together. Is there even an alternative then? Can i just write all the words racing through my head? Nah, my hands aren’t fast enough to keep up with what feels like Usain bolting through my mind’s track. But maybe i could say it out loud then? Nah, my vocals have been put on indefinite mute. Silencing any type of self-expression and emotional calls of distress. Well, maybe silence isn’t such a bad thing then. To the outside and on the inside. Maybe becoming one with the shell instead of trying to tame the crab is best? If i embrace my hollow, empty insides instead of trying to fill in spaces with nothing but salty bitterness, i could finally get peace and quiet. Drowning out the static in my brain and the earthquake in my gut, the disorientation of my mind and the unsettling sensation that is my body, closing my soul’s eye and submitting to the feeling of nothingness, all things cease to exist in this spiritually induced comatose. I am everything and nothing all at once. its quiet up here, you would like it up here, no longer going through the unimaginable…