Why ? {Part 1-3}

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[Part 1]

Why cant I breathe?

Why cant I speak?

Why is it that when i do speak, it feels as if i'm only opening my mouth and moving my lips...

I feel my tongue flick onto the roof of my mouth,

A way my body is helping me enunciate and pronounce my sentences,

But yet it still feels as though i haven't said a word.

I feel as though i've been silenced.

Like my word is no longer bond.

I've been betrayed by my own body and mind.

I thought I was the one in control of this specimen, of this consciousness...

But they’ve overrun me and decided to have a mind and body of their own.

I guess i should be happy that they're deciding on being in control or gaining their independence since it was stripped of them so many times..

Maybe i wasn't a good owner so they had to do what they thought was best..

Everytime i was in control something went wrong.

My control, my choice, my decision-making...

It was all done by someone else,

And my body and mind finally agreed that enough was enough.

That i wasn't doing enough to protect them...

That i wasn't taking good care of me so “if you want something done right you gotta do it yourself” right?

I tried to though..

i tried to be the best caretaker i could be.

I tried voicing my thoughts and taking my own steps.

But were they really steps of my own? Or was I forcibly and subconsciously walking in someone else’s shoes on a completely different path?

Was i under the impression that it was all my idea or was it made up in someone else’s mind?

None of that matters now...

Because my body and mind have joined forces and came to the conclusion that i should be punished for all the failed attempts of being myself.

My mind is now like a movie theater that shows all those advertisements and other movie trailers without anyone really asking to see them, but you sit there and watch it anyways because you want to get to the movie..

I try to ignore the constant murmur of the screen because i convince myself "that's not what i'm here for” and i try to hold on to patience until they’re over.

But eventually i make an excuse to leave, like "i have to use the bathroom",

And i step out of the theater for some peace and quiet..

Some would say this is compartmentalism,

Others would say its suppression...

But what it is, is debilitation and exasperation...

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[Part 2]

... Just like every movie theater needs movies to play. Every movie needs actors to act. And my body is the perfect thing for the job. Its like an actor that does the part SO well that you believe the actor is like that character in real life... Except, it is in real life. My body acts according to the movie that's playing involuntarily in my head... Allowing me to live within the motion picture as if it were happening right before my eyes... Only these scenes did happen. And instead of movies, its more like reruns of bad 80s shows that you try to tolerate for the sake of entertainment. My heart seems to be the only thing that actually is in sync with me anymore , As it acts like the remote trying to change the channel, but constantly needing a change of batteries... All the while, the reruns play on. Without me or anything else to stop it from airing... I just have to sit back and watch it because i don't have any other choice other than to leave the theater. But if i leave.. some would call this disassociating... Would that really be so bad? If you don't like something or no longer enjoy it wouldn't you leave? You’d go to another theater or stop going to theaters altogether right? What bothers me though, is that every movie always has the same plot... It may be different actors, but the storyline always stays the same: Girl meets boy , boy likes girl , girl declines boy , boy overpowers girl , girl hates girl , and boy moves on... Which brings me to the question: Why? Why can’t girl not meet boy, or why can’t boy not overpower girl? Why does boy feel the need to rip girl of her innocence, of her childhood, of her independence, .... of her soul? Why can’t boy just take “NO” for an answer and THEN move on?

Is it not enough for boy to manipulate and humiliate girl?

But then have to strip her [metaphorically and literally] of her womanhood in every way, shape, and form? Why can't girl fight back?

Why doesn’t girl know how to fight back? And unfortunately, most detrimentally, why does girl stop trying to?...

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[Part 3]

... I’ve asked these questions periodically over the course of my life up until this point..

And i never seem to get the answer, only more questions.

Regrettably the list never subsides...

Sometimes I answer my questions with more questions and it becomes this never ending loop of a horribly put together Q&A except there is no “A”.

I tell myself “its just all a part of the plan”...

That these questions weren’t meant to have answers,

That i was only created to ask/generate them.

Maybe my purpose was to be a vessel in questioning the human species.

My life path is the humanitarian as I’ve now come to know, so maybe humans were meant to leave me questioning humanity,

Or maybe i am the question.. in and of itself.

Just something that gets people thinking, that starts conversation, that attracts people’s interest, sometimes even raises suspicion..

I sometimes wonder why am i even here at all...

Or if the universe would notice one less question amongst the rest.

Was it really worth everything to be stuck with the same questions?

Or did i create these questions all on my own without the help of anyone at all..

Maybe all that I’m meant to be isn’t who or what...

It’s. Just. Why.

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J.S.

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